Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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