The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
