My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
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