Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
