i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
