We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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