i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
