the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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