why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
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