I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Randomize
