this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize