Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
