i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
