you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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