im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Randomize
