his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
