I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I need a burrito and a hug.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Randomize
