He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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