Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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