Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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