Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Randomize
