so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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