I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
