He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
