Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
