i was born a porn star she said
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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