...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
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