Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Randomize