So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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