I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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