She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
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