I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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