Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
