you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
