Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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