A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
How's work?
Spinning.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
