Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
