Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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