She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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