I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
