my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
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