well I can't set my house on fire every night
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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