Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Randomize
