I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Randomize
