dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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