Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
