I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize