if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
