There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
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