i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
