So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
We were destined to go to rehab together
You pole danced in your parka.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
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