Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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