I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
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