Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
