Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
