I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
