he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I can't put those talents on a resume
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
