When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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